Crazy - warning - this is a depressing post

I've finally reached 6 months and am starting to unravel.  For the past month I have experienced only the occasional mood swing - either laughing super hard until tears are streaming down my face, or crying uncontrollably over a very insignificant thing like spilling food on the floor.  Now, it's an every day challenge to overcome this feeling of …. well, I don't know what.

Yesterday I was extra tired because the night before Alexandra decided to get up every half hour from 1:30 am to 6:30 until we gave up and got up for the day.  Then she wouldn't nap.  I try to remain calm and follow through with my discipline. But after an hour and a half of repeatedly putting her back into bed for nap, I just had to leave. I had had enough. I went down to the basement to see if I could ride out my frustration on my bike. 5 minutes in, I was screaming into my hands while I knew Jacob was sleeping in our bed and A was doing God knows what.  I was shaking all over. Hyperventilating, even.   I knew if I saw my daughter I'd go ballistic, so I decided to wake Jacob and go for a walk.  I kept praying the endorphins from the exercise would kick in and I'd finally be able to shake the rage, the disappointment in myself, the feeling of never should I have ever become a mother - what was I thinking, and the sadness that I will have to wait another decade until I can do the things I really wanted to do in life like travel abroad with my husband.

I walked 2 miles.

I didn't feel better, but I had finished crying….for a while.

I still cannot kick this feeling that I am not meant to be a mother - I should be happier with the amazing family I have created.  And the weird thing is, I can honestly say I am happy with my family and I am glad we are expanding it.  So why am I crying?!  This is why I feel crazy.  Crazed - more accurately.  I feel possessed - like my normal brain is being held prisoner and my crazy grandmother is stepping in.  The other day I had a fight with Jacob and I had to walk away because I wanted to punch something.  And I did - the bedroom door. Hard. He didn't see it, thankfully.

Maybe it's because I'm not working. All I do is housework, run errands, watch A, and work my Jamberry business. And while those are all worthwhile, I feel unfulfilled and useless.

I really hope this does not continue after pregnancy and it's "normal" to feel totally out of control of your emotions.  I'd much rather be nauseated all day like I was with Alexandra than feel this way.  I don't want Jacob or A thinking it's their fault or I don't love them.  I love them very much. But I don't really want to go on Prozac to be able to convince them of that.

6 months!!

Hi everyone!  Here's a pic of the "bump" 6 months in. :) - correction - this was only 51/2 months! I'm jumping ahead of myself….uuhhhhgggg.  it was a harsh reality when I did the recalculations.

Hoping the rest of the pregnancy weight gain goes as slowly as the first 6 months!!

Happy Easter!!

Growing pains

Just as in the first pregnancy, I am now experiencing a perpetual groin pull on my right side. It started about 3 weeks ago when kicking the soccer ball with Alexandra (so nothing strenuous here, people) and has progressively gotten worse.  Ah the joys.  Rolling over has become painful unless done V.E.R.Y. slowly and while clenching my pelvic floor muscles as hard as possible.  I expect the pain to continue and spread to the left side in another month or so since that's what happened last time.  Walking is still tolerable, and actually seems to get a little better as I continue, and I am still able to ride my bike without pain.  This is a relief as those are my main outlets for cardio right now since I don't belong to a gym.  I tried a "booty barre" video yesterday - HOLY COW.  If you want to know just how weak your legs and butt are, I highly recommend it!! :)

You can definitely tell I'm pregnant now. I'm hitting 6 months on Friday (pics to follow)!! I cannot believe we'll have another baby in the house in 3 months. Oh. My. God.  Hoping that Alexandra doesn't go bat-shit crazy when he arrives.

Overall, though, I'm still feeling pretty good. I get fatigued easily, but that's probably due to me being so painfully out of shape in addition to being pregnant. :)  I am looking forward to the fall when I can start jogging with the little lad.  I might even sign up for a small race!  10k by November?  Probably unlikely. Hahaha.

Name That Baby

Well well well - we have decided on a NAME!! I am super stoked because this name came to me my first couple weeks of pregnancy while going in and out of sleep one night. It was as if God himself woke me up just so I could think of this name.  I've considered dozens of other names, but none really stuck. I had hoped Jacob would be on board with it, too, since I fell in love with it so early on.

Jacob doesn't really think about names until after we know the sex of the baby.  This makes logical sense. But he also doesn't think names are as important as the person the baby turns out to be.  The person makes the name, not the other way around.  This I also agree with, but I don't make decisions quickly, so I need time to mull things over.  It's like when I was 16 and thought I wanted a tattoo.  I had a design and hung it on my wall and told myself that if I still loved it in a year, I would get it.  I am glad I did that, because otherwise I'd have a tattoo of a Celtic knot in my mid back right now. 

So - here we go.  The name of our unborn son is:


KELLEN LEO SLIFE


Kellen is an Irish name (yay Irish!!) meaning : Mighty Warrior 
Leo is Jacob's grandfather's name.

We are so excited (ok - I'm THRILLED) about the name. I think it's pretty badass. :)  Hopefully he will be too. 

Other than that, I'm feeling pretty good. I hit 5 months on April 1st and should be heading back to the midwives in a week or two. I am also feeling lots of movement these days which is fun.  

More to come!

20 weeks!

As promised, here are my half-way bump pics.  :-)

1. Here I'm tightening my upper abs so you can see better where the actual bump is:

2. This is me relaxed.   Just looking thick.

3. And my sassy 3/4 shot.  Trying to work it out. ;)

The verdict is in!

Today was FINALLY my anatomy scan ultrasound.  As you have read, I had a sneaking suspicion that this babe would be a boy.  And I was RIGHT!  I was so happy and relieved, too, to discover that he had 10 fingers and 10 toes, everything looks healthy and intact and forming as it should.  No abnormalities detected! Phew.  

It may be the hormones, but as I was driving away from the appointment a wave of emotion came over me and I cried tears of happiness.  I am stoked to be having a boy, and also (this is more the reason, I think) so grateful he looks healthy.  I am always so nervous leading up to this point because there's really nothing else shown to you that tells you the baby is fine.  A deformed child can have a normal heart rate and move around, you know?  I also was wishing Jacob was able to be there to see him moving around. It is so cool.

So, as promised, here are some pictures of the little bugger.  Enjoy!

4 Months!

We made it to the 4 month mark - 18 weeks in.  I saw my new midwife yesterday and she did the usual measure and listen to the baby's heart rate. All seems well.  I have to now schedule my next ultrasound which hopefully will be in the next 2 weeks.  At that time we will FINALLY find out what the sex is - assuming the baby is cooperative and shows its goods.

Any bets on what it will be?

Any name suggestions?

Here's my first pic of the bump.  I look smaller than I am in this one, trust me - it's bad lighting and I'm sort of tightening my stomach.